Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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