you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
