so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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