I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
