I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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