i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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