I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
