Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
