So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i am craving dick and cupcakes
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
