Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
