By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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