I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
