this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
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This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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