I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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