and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
