I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just blew my weed a kiss
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
