if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
