someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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