I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
