I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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