My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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