I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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