based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
