My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
