The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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