So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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