the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
