In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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