remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
