yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize