I wish I could teleport
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Boobs speak an international language.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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