Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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