Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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