i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
