How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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