In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize