Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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