i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
