I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I smell stomach acid.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
