i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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