I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
