Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
why is half of my head shaved?
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