My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
