I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Randomize
