I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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