Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
