i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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