Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
