"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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