My first STD was from a foam party
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
