I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
