just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
