when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
