also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
