The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
