I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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