Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Enjoy the penises
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
