You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
