I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
